There is Light because there is darkness — Bound by two worlds, continued
Can we be belligerent, unreasonable, malicious, controlling, aggressive, or dominant when at our best and our worst moments? What about being obnoxious, mean, self-centered, or disagreeable, without even noticing it? My answer is: yes, we can; if not from our perspective, certainly from others’ points of view.
One experience where I believe I may have been perceived as aggressive is when I am behind the wheel. For example, it drives me crazy when someone is driving too slowly in a high-speed lane of a highway, so I usually pass them rapidly to make sure my frustration shows. On the other hand, when someone is driving erratically, or tailgating me, I then judge their impatient demeanor, usually giving them the evil eye through the mirror, or when I meet them [ironically] at the stop light. Are cars an inconspicuous passage into our dark side? Do we feel that a vehicle acts as a shield, which allows us to behave in a different way than if we were without it? Is it a tool that may “liberate” our dark power, maybe even comparable to the empowering feeling — to some — of holding a gun? …I mean, we all have heard about the consequences of road rage.
From my perspective, this is yet another symptom of our need to work on increasing self-awareness.
In my first writing of “Bound by two worlds” I mentioned that it has taken me decades to acknowledge the imminent edges, cliffs and valleys of life, the light and darkness of the human kind, and to recognize which world I am embracing or experiencing at any point in time. In that post I focused on my experience acknowledging these two diverging, but complementary forces. Now I am going to set my hands on how we could recognize which world we are acting on or living at a certain point.
I could claim that I have reached high levels of self-awareness, partly because I believe I am able to see myself more objectively, and to align my behaviours and values. Truthfully, I am still working on managing some emotional reactions, especially toward things in which I am passionate, and on understanding how others perceive me; so I would not call it “high level of self-awareness”, just yet. Nevertheless, I do see myself more objectively when I am driving, and am able to recognize what triggers an emotional response while on the road, and how this could take me –ever so slightly– in to the dark side: e.g. a slow driver triggering a feeling of impatience in me; once I am able to recognize it, I can then address the emotion by trying to understand the other driver’s behaviour. In my case, I think about possible scenarios, for example: she/he may be lost, dealing with kids in the car, etc. This allows me to be in the other person’s shoes, even if it is not an accurate representation of what is happening, and it opens up another range of options for modifying my immediate reaction. I can also question my reasons for wanting to speed up and pass the car in front of me: do I need to maintain the higher speed?, am I really in such hurry?, why am I rushing?, and how much time would I gain?
Many of us may think that at times we are seen as being “in balance”: ambitious yet humble, kind with intention, fair in our decisions, risk-taker but centered… I could go on and on. In reality, how we perceive ourselves may be very different from how others see us, and this limited view can become an obstacle for us to recognize the “world” we are acting on.
There is a famous quote by Stephen Covey: “We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their actions”. Intention is defined as “a mental state that represents a commitment to carrying out an action or actions in the future. Intention involves mental activities such as planning and forethought”. By this definition, others cannot see what is going on in our head, so that is a perspective we own, hence we are the only ones standing in that view, our mind. In contrast, action is defined as “the process of doing something, especially when dealing with a problem or difficulty; something that you do; a physical movement”. Doing is observable. Others can only comment, praise, evaluate; so in general, critique or judge what they see or perceive, therefore there are numerous perceptions about and around us.
We often navigate the world expecting the opposite: others judging our intentions, we ourselves by our actions. In that sense, if I drive at high speed, passing cars, I may be expecting someone to “judge” me or understand that I am late for an appointment or rushing home to the washroom, so I am justifying my action, being OK with it. Even if I am irritated by a slow driver, this thought is on me; I could argue that the person driving unhurried is blocking the flow of the traffic, so there is a reason for my behaviour. That said, the speed of my car is what others see, not the rationale (or lack of it) in my head.
To recognize or be cognizant of our own behaviour, while we are in action, doing, requires removing our attention away from us, and seeking input from the outside world: i.e. looking for clues in other people, the environment, a situation.
Moving our attention away from us means getting out of our head.
When we are “in our head” we end up using our default mode, acting from a limiting point of view; in my case as a driver, passing everything I perceive as an obstacle to get to my destination.
Catching ourselves in the darkness of our actions is challenging, in part because there are many barriers we and others build around us, so even if we can get out of our heads, sometimes reading the environment is taxing, either because it demands more energy, or because we rely on emotional intelligence (EQ) abilities to be able to read it.
There are unlimited examples in the corporate world when unreasonable, controlling or dominant bosses end up living and thriving in the darkness of their actions, endorsed by executive support, collective blindness, assumptions, hierarchies, lack of EQ, or complete disregard for feedback.
At work, I met a mid-level people-manager who self-promoted himself as a supporting leader with his team on their growth and development. This was not the complete truth or shared view; he did provide support but only to those he favoured, and were loyal to his way. Other team members’ motivation, engagement and performance were destroyed by his lack of direction, inability to listen, inconsideration to their needs, and fixed mindset. In his mind he was “in balance”, in high contrast to how some of his reports viewed him, a dark cloud over their necks, making their work lives unbearable. Many of them resorted to leave, stressed out and afraid of speaking up. His lack of interest and (or) inability to scan the environment outside his head did not allow him to see when he was acting in darkness. A sense of superiority, unrecognized bias, his position of hierarchy, and his confidence on the support from his boss were barriers that kept him ignorant of the world in which he was often operating. At the same time, people around him were too building their own barriers to fence their jobs and themselves from retaliation. In this case neither him, nor the direct reports he favoured were interested in investing energy to change the status quo. The more he was working in darkness, the more normalized his behaviour became.
Often, the best times for us can be the worst for those around us, especially when we become self-centered and self-righteous. While we think that we are in one end of the spectrum, living in a world of light, others could see us on the other end, lost in the dark, drowning in our own ignorance of the world around us, and our impact on it.
All things considered, we can we be belligerent or unreasonable, malicious or controlling, aggressive or dominant at any point in our lives, and concurrently recognize that we are in that spot by catching ourselves in the act, expanding our points of view, and seeing the options we have at hand, by getting out of our head. Understanding that through our lives we could go back and forth from darkness to light, it means that in navigating these worlds, we slowly pave our own path and find wisdom in living.
We cannot expect others to understand us, when it takes our lifetime to understand ourselves.
How are you getting out of your head and catching yourself in the dark or in the light? What strategies do you use to scan, read and understand the environment around you?
If you relate to my experiences, I would love to hear and learn from yours, and you can connect at caper@idealhuman.com
CAPER
