Every one of us spends much of our time trying to be someone during our life, striving to be nobody goes against our nature, but it is worth exploring this path.
We come with a deep desire to being someone. Some of us achieve it during our life time, others make it after death, for many, survival is the priority and it is as far as they can go physically, and mentally. Once our basic needs are met we look up to role models, identify with groups, beliefs, hierarchies, and fields of study, or create physical and mental boundaries that support our personal identity; this gives us a sense of belonging (collective identity), and makes us feel different.
At heart, we long to be loved, seen and wanted. All three require the perspective of other human beings so we can be someone, in their eyes.
We all have heard heartfelt stories of humans like Vincent Van Gogh, an unknown artist and somewhat broken human being, who struggled during his lifetime and whose art became popular in the late 20th century to the point of one his paintings selling in 1990 for $75 million at Christie’s in New York.
Our yearning for being unique starts developing early, as we start getting external stimulation, recognizing our sense of self through our body, using it to explore our surroundings, and absorbing information through our senses (grabbing objects, balancing our body while attempting to walk and feeling textures with our mouth).
It is also the time when we perceive and identify the faces of the caregivers who supported, soothed and cuddled us, making us feel safe, loved. We start developing emotional attachments expressed through crying or fussing, at first.
Looking closely to faces and things we want to know more about, as well as asking questions when we are as early as 2 years old is fundamental for building our identity.
The development of my own identify during childhood was impaired by a “don’t ask too many questions” type of family environment; questions were not encouraged and many times deflected. That maybe a reason why, today, as a full grown adult I still have a lot of questions about different topics, and question everything.
As we grow and live through the different stages of our life, we keep looking outwards, going from seeking validation from others (whether teachers, authority figures, peers, etc.), to identifying and being infatuated with celebrities during our adolescence. When we start working we seek appreciation and support from mentors and supervisors who make us feel valued, needed, and perhaps even indispensable. On a personal level, as the case may be, we develop deep feelings of affection for other human beings who make us feel seen, and appreciated.
It is an interesting exercise to retrieve our teenager memories. Who did you hang out with when you were 12, and why?
My group of friends from elementary dissolved because one of them moved to another school and the other two were not so close, and ended up in different classes, so the group’s “bond” was lost. I had to start from scratch which led me to hang out with different people throughout high school, so for better or worse I did not identify with a particular group.
Our fascination with being recognized as someone can take a darker path when it extends to the virtual world where who we are depends on likes, applauses, views, shares, false promises (in the case of scams), and comments, perhaps thousands of them, from people we do not know, and that do not really know us.
Human beings are the only ones who have that yearning, to define and showcase who we are and how different and special we are from others. We want to find our distinctive “gift” and leave a legacy.
The bridge from yearning to being someone, to striving to be nobody is built on celebrating ourselves. Van Gogh painted because it was his way of experimenting, to express who he was and how he felt at the time, although he was also looking for a validation that eluded him.
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
Striving to be nobody contradicts our ego, threatens our need for a collective identity, ditches the idea of leaving a legacy, faces our individualistic mindset, and challenges many practices adopted since childhood where we mostly tend to look outwards. Striving to be nobody is about doing things expecting nothing but alignment with our values, expecting only our own validation, appreciation and awareness of our worth as human beings, enjoying the gift of our life, as given.
Being nobody is hard because when we are thinking and acting from a “nobody” mindset, we give without expecting retribution, we create without demanding praise, we love unconditionally without waiting for a payback, we see others even though “others” may not see us.
We can start experimenting with “being nobody” for about 10% of the time we dedicate to being someone; if you can do more, kudos to you. Here are some other suggestions:
At work, dedicate time to develop ideas you would like to explore and learn from without expecting to present them to your boss, or showing them off to your peers. What about improving processes or fixing things you perceive as broken without announcing it to everyone, just for the sake of challenging yourself and knowing that you can do it. It feels difficult, right? We learn to “sell” ourselves; we are conditioned to prove our worth, to be recognized for every single thing we do, so doing the opposite does not feel right, in our mind. Try to read your heart instead.
At a personal level, make an anonymous donation, or pay for the coffee of a person behind you in the queue, call or text someone you haven’t heard from in a while just to check in.
Don’t get me wrong, we do need recognition, we do need validation, but 100% of the time? I don’t think so. Give yourself permission to be nobody once in a while.
Striving to be nobody opens a world of purpose, beyond what your body can physically do. Being nobody should feel comfortable to you, healthy, it is the real you. And best of all, being nobody makes you part of something bigger undetectable with your senses but perceivable with your heart if you just pay attention.
CAPER
